Finding Normal

I used to be normal. I didn't have to introduce my husband with a number. I didn't have to answer inquisitive stares from people I hadn't seen in a while, wondering who these new "family" people were. I used to send Christmas cards every single year, but haven't sent any in over 20 years because I could never figure out how to put what was happening, what had happened and the changes in my life into one of those cheerful, normal-perfect-family Christmas letters. I didn't have to think about how to sign birthday cards to the kids in my own house.  I never had to count the number of family photos I hung on the walls based on the children in the photo. I had never before had to filter the reports of the kids' daily activities for fear of hurting the "other parents'" feelings.

I had grown up in a nuclear family, although I never really knew that's what we were called. However, when I was growing up, divorce was rare, and we called nuclear families, normal. All my life, my family had been normal. So imagine my horror when my own family became not-normal. I had joined the ranks of single parents. I felt like there was something wrong with me ... like I had failed. Although I was left as a single parent by the death of my spouse, I still didn't fit in anywhere. 

I no longer "fit" with my couple friends. They were great supporters at first, but as time moved on, so did those friendships. And as a mid-30-year-old-widow, I had a tough time considering myself "single" even though that is exactly what I was. Single. Again. 

My two sons were early elementary school at the time their dad died, and I have a very vivid memory of an "episode" involving a magnifying glass and grass fire in an easement not far from our house. My son and two other boys were "looking at ants" and somehow started the grass on fire. I remember standing at the curb with the two other dads. I felt completely out of place. I got angry. Where was MY boys' dad? Why had he left me here to deal with all this "dad" stuff? I could almost hear the crowd whispering ... "Oh, yes. That's the SINGLE mom. No wonder ..."

I wondered then how I would ever be able to make it. I heard a comment from a dad at the baseball field one evening saying my son "threw like a girl." Well, of course he did, because the person who taught him to throw was, in fact, A GIRL ... ME! I hated "Dad's 'n Donuts" at school because it was just another reminder that there was something wrong with my family. While I could go and eat donuts with the best of them, I felt like the girl in a boy's locker room. I was completely out of place. And while my boys always seemed to appreciate my efforts, it just wasn't the same.

I remember thinking, "I just want to be normal again."

So, I got remarried. Like that would make me and my boys normal again. But instead, it just introduced a whole new vocabulary. Stepparents. Stepsisters. Stepbrothers. Blended family. Second marriage. Yours and mine. What I thought would make me feel normal again, just complicated life and made me feel less normal than ever. With each passing day, season of life, and event, I felt less and less normal. 

So, now that I've stated the obvious and you are all shaking your head because you know exactly what I'm talking about, I can hear you thinking, Okay this is great. But what do we do about it? How do we find normal?

Well, this is a good news, bad news scenario. The bad news is, you will never find normal as you once knew it. But, the good news is, if you choose, you can create a new normal. No matter how hard you try, your blending family will never be nuclear. You will never again know normal as you once did. But now you have an opportunity to build new relationships, start new traditions and experience the freedom to be creative in how your new family defines normal.

If you are divorced, I can only assume you and your children struggle with the "Disneyland Parent." That part-time parent who is all about fun, shopping and weekend activities, leaves you as the one who has to keep the laundry done, chart the chores and make sure homework is finished. But that doesn't mean you can't have fun with your kids as well. You just get to have fun with more than just your own kids. Choose an activity this week that everyone will enjoy. And it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. What we discovered with our kids, especially when they were younger, is that what they wanted most from us was our time and attention. A picnic and kite-flying adventure at the park gave everyone a chance to relax and have fun. However, we learned that giving each of the kids a couple of bucks and letting them pick out their very own kite was a stroke of genius. 

Think of ways you can have some fun. Maybe on the Saturday when everyone's at home, let the kids have ice cream for breakfast. I promise it won't cause too much permanent damage to their health, but the payoff in the health of your blending family is priceless.

Sometimes, though, its more about perspective. How do you choose to see your family? How can you redefine what normal looks like for you? What if you looked at your blending family as a blessing from the Lord and a source of happiness for you and your children instead of a reminder that you are somehow broken?

You make me so happy, God. I saw your work and I shouted for joy. How magnificent your work, God! Psalm 92:4 (The Message)

So, what about you? Where are you in your journey in finding normal? 

About the author:

Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom. 

Finding Normal ... Have you found it yet?

Somewhere amidst the questions and descriptions in the post "Finding Normal," I see an underlying theme.  Being normal is required for being good enough. As I ponder the words and thoughts, I sense a deep desire that we all share ... to be good enough. Most of society, family of origin and even self-talk tells us that being good enough (whatever that is) is based on our performance. If we are successful, or wealthy, or have successful children or "have it all together," then we are good enough ... acceptable.

I recently read a devotional where the laments of the author were that she just longed to be accepted by her family. She felt like with them, her worth was based on her status as a human doing (her accomplishments) rather than a human being (who she is). I'd heard that before. If ever anyone dares to ask us who we really are, we generally answer by sharing what we do.

But here's a thought. What if, instead of looking at others for approval, or even worse, looking to others as our measuring stick for success ... what if we looked at ourselves through God's eyes? You may be thinking that He's the toughest one of all ... being perfect and everything. And knowing everything about us, like what we think and what our motivations are and what's in our hearts? We can't even pretend to "have it all together" with Him. But look with me at what He says about you. (and these are just off the top of my head.)

Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

I know you have all heard this. And we think it is a sweet sentiment. But I always like to look at the context when I pull out a verse from scripture. This Psalm begins with an admission that not only has God "searched me," but He "knows me." Nothing about me is hidden from Him. I can't hide behind accomplishments, or pretend I have pure motives, because he knows the truth. And He still says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Isaiah 43:1  But now, this is what the Lord says -- He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

This is one of my all-time favorite reminders of how God sees me. Jacob ... formed by God, but not perfect. He was a twin who tricked his brother out of the birthright. He was a deceitful boy who wrestled with God and had his name changed. Far from perfect, but God tells him to not be afraid. God has already redeemed the mess that Jacob makes of things. God not only knows Jacob by name (both of them) but Jacob belongs to God. He is God's very own.

I don't know about you, but I feel like there are lots of things in my life that need redeeming. I've made mistakes along the way (and that's a huge understatement!). Things have happened in my life outside of my control that I wish I could have changed. Those things were damaging to me, yet God says I am redeemed. Whatever it is that has brought you to today, God is enough to redeem it. He knows you. He knows your name. And with God, your name means more than He knows what to call you. A name, with God, means He knows all about you ... your nature, your character, your mistakes, your potential, your true hair color. And even knowing everything about you, you are still HIS.

So ... looking for normal? You have found it. Look into the face of the God who made you, who loves you unconditionally, who redeems everything in your life and who calls you His own.

About the author:

Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom. 

6 Things I've Learned as a Blending Family

No one said it would be easy. In fact, a few people actually questioned the wisdom of starting a new family. But, for the most part, people were happy and excited about our announcement to become a blending family because "we were just perfect for each other." And we are. But that didn't mean putting six (now seven) people together from two different families wasn't, and isn't still, a challenge. Perhaps some of these lessons will resonate with you and your family. 

1. Everyone is different. Not rocket-science, right? But true. And in blending families there is not always the forgiving heart that normal (see earlier blog) families experience. It is much easier to be patient and loving toward the differences in other family members, when you can term the quirks as endearing because you see them as a reflection of a spouse for whom you still hold affection. Be careful about transferring feelings for a spouse who has caused you pain to the children who are innocent in it all.

2. You have to make room for the luggage. When the girls and their dad moved into my house, I had to do a good bit of rearranging. I had to make room for things that others were bringing with them. I soon learned what was most important to each of the kids, and we had to make sure that there was a secure place for these important items. But along with the things they bring, there is also lots and lots of baggage. Depending on how thoroughly you, your children, your spouse and stepchildren have processed the break-up of their previous household, there are more than likely steamer-trunks full of hurt, pain, and unresolved anger. Make room in the new family for everyone to unpack their trunks. 

3. No one has to be perfect. Being a blending family often makes us feel like we are on display, and there are other people judging what we do and how we do it. While I'm comfortable with my own parenting style, there is another parent in my step-children's life who probably has different ideas about how to parent. While the step-parent may feel the need, nothing says you must be perfect. Give everyone the freedom to be who they are, warts and all. Understand that no one in the family is perfect, and no one expects perfection. 

4. We will never be a nuclear family. There will always be things within each of the biological groups that are unique to that group. There are different experiences, a different family of origin, and different DNA that make that family who they are. Just because you have now joined together, let go of the expectation that you will somehow, magically, become nuclear. Allow freedom in the family for the biological group to be biological.

5. Make forgiveness one of your top priorities. One definition of forgiveness is: giving up my right to hurt you, for hurting me. Blending families are, by nature, the result of broken relationships. Whether through death or divorce, someone has been hurt, feels abandoned, rejected, betrayed or left all alone. Broken relationships require forgiveness. There are likely people who come into the blending family who are still working on forgiveness from the relationship that brought them to this place. The children who have been hurt are trying to learn to forgive parents for making choices they hate, yet are powerless to change. Spouses are working to forgive rejection and betrayal from what they thought would be a life-long mate. The hurt from the broken relationships are only compounded, when unforgiveness becomes the hallmark of the blending family. There will be hurt. There will be anger. You will not be treated as you think you deserve. But if you want to hang on to this family, forgiveness must be the standard. It has been said that forgiveness is a choice long before it is a feeling. Blending a family requires forgiveness ... from everyone and to everyone. 

6. Forget the Brady Bunch. I know I'm revealing my age, but I spent Friday nights as a kid watching the crazy antics of a family that I didn't really understand. These two parents, who each had 3 kids of their own, got together "and became the Brady Brunch." With the exception of lacking an Alice and being short by two kids, that's where we found ourselves as a blending family. Only "the lovely lady who was bringing up two very handsome boys," and "the man named Brady was busy with two girls of his own." While I could really never relate to the show as a child, it took on a whole new meaning when I became a character in the plot. Every week there was some issue (usually among the kids) where the parents and Alice had exactly 30 minutes to bring everyone back to happy smiles and loving hugs. When we became "the Brady's," that was hardly our story.

First of all, we didn't have an Alice. And boy, could we have used one! Secondly, there was the issue of what to call the parents. The girls had a mother already and the boys had a dad (though he was deceased) so the whole mom and dad title didn't work very well. The boys called me mom, the girls called their dad, dad and the step-kids called the other parent by their first name. As I look back, this, in and of itself, brought division. There were biological lines in the sand drawn early, so when the inevitable "you're not my mom/dad and I don't have to do what you say" line came out we realized that we had actually fostered it early on. Am I suggesting that everyone be called mom and dad? Of course not. But realize, that there will be a difference in perception, although subtle even in the labels we use. 

And we rarely had things solved and smiles back on the kids faces after a short "talking to" from dad and "hugs" from the mom. There are still issues today that we continually address as result of our blending family. 

What I did learn is that over time, relationships begin to settle, differences can be addressed in a positive way, and struggles can be met head-on and resolved. The core of the blending family who finds success lies in the grace and forgiveness found only in Christ. No matter our circumstance, we can be overcomers when we allow the Lord to be the center of our heart and the founder of our home. Trust God, pray together and pray for each family member by name. Forgive even when it's hard and you don't feel like it and be willing to be open and vulnerable with those who now share your home. Look for the best in others, and don't forget to laugh.

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." Jesus (as recorded in John 16:33, The Message).

About the author:

Teri is passionate about teaching, writing, and ministering to fellow sojourners. She spends her days working in ministry and her evenings and weekends being wife and mom. 

First Day of School: the myth!

My first experience as a parent taking a child to kindergarten is one I will never forget!  As a single dad with daughters, I felt the pressure of having my daughter look perfect for the first day of school. That is how it goes, right? Or at least, that's the myth I bought in to.

Taking my oldest daughter to kindergarten (solo) was an emotionally heightened day for me. Single or not, taking the firstborn to school on the first day of school and LEAVING them feels like total abandonment. What if they need us and are unable to reach us?  Or, what if they experience something new (good or bad) for the first time without us there to video the moment? Perish the thought!  So MUCH could happen and it feels like we've completely lost control of our child.  Funny how taking our children to college for the first time feels much the same.

But, my story gets even better.  As I've already mentioned, the myth that haunted me all summer leading up to the first day of kindergarten was the need for my child to look perfect. I was a single dad and I feared that my child would look like the daughter of a single dad.  I could just hear all the other moms, not to mention the school's faculty, whispering behind my child's back. "She's the little girl from that single dad."  I was determined that not only would my child not look like "that little girl from a single dad", but my child would look like she came straight out of the salon. I think that's called overcompensating.

With that goal in mind, on the eve of the first day of school I did something totally foreign to me.  I went to the store and bought sponge rollers.  Remember those?  I only knew of them from TV commercials, but it seemed easy enough that even I could figure it out.  So, as bath time was over and bedtime approached I took out the rollers and commenced to rolling her hair 5 strands at a time. She had long, thick hair so this took a while. When I finished, the poor child could barely hold her head up.  

Next came the big question:  how long do you leave sponge rollers in?  Reflecting on my own childhood it seemed to me my mother wore rollers to bed in order to have a bouffant hairdo the next morning - so that's what we did.  Despite the tears of discomfort, the sponge rollers remained for about 11 hours. Yes, you read that right: 11 hours.  After all, she had to be perfect for the first day of school.  Surely, the longer they were in her hair the better she would look.

Morning came and I was not prepared with the next step of the process.  After taking the rollers out, I was overwhelmed with just how effective they were. Her hair was bigger than her body.  No amount of combing or brushing would settle her hair down.  It was huge. We were both in tears.  I had absolutely ruined her first day of school.  How could she face the other kids?  My goal of perfection was replaced by a fear she would be mocked by the other children, and it was my fault. To make matters worse, in my effort to tame the wild beast on her head I heated up the curling iron thinking that would settle things down.  In the process I accidentally touched the side of her head with the curling iron leaving a big red mark that remained all day.  Way to go Dad!  

Lesson learned? The first day of school is far more about relaxing and enjoying this monumental occasion with your child than it is about making sure everything is perfect. I seriously wish I could have a do-over of that first day.  I know we would have laughed more and cried less. Since then, however, we have laughed a good bit about that day which has served as a simple illustration to me of Romans 8:28. "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him".